Bipolar Biproxy

This morning I woke up and all three other members of the family were sleeping. I was so excited, I could watch my DVRed liberal news hour of choice (I heart Keith Olberman), take a long shower, eat breakfast and relax. Stop one, the bathroom. I hear rustling in my daughter's room. I try to breath quieter, I try to not move my feet. I stay crouched on the toilet hopeful that she is just turning over and will return to slumber. "Moooooma, Daddy... I need you momadadda." Her little voice creaks through the door of the bathroom and I call out to her to come find me. She does, and we sit hugging and talking about Ming Ming Duck needing to eat cheerios because he had a scary scary dream about canos and triceratops.

Forgoing my plans, I changed her diaper, made her special momma chocolate milkies (Ovaltine my friends, a nutritional supplement made sweeter and better by calling it a momma special treat), and turned on wonder pets so she could hold and feed Ming Ming Duck while watching the 'real' Ming Ming Duck save the poodle. I took a three minute shower. Analise started to help me with my clothes. "I so happy to see you momma. So beautiful momma. Wear this one!" I still revel in the fact that she can speak in full sentences, express what she feels, and use language to convey her understanding of the world. I get dressed then she climbs on my lap and helps me apply makeup. She keeps telling me she wants me to stay home and play. As ready for work as I plan to get, she and I snuggle up and hug and watch Ming Ming save the Louisiana Bullfrog together. She keeps telling me the story as it happens. "momma! Poppa frog wants to see his Anleese. Look! He is climbing. Silly frog."

It was so nice to have those 10 minutes to just sit and be present with her before work. No distractions, just me and this amazing little girl talking about the importance of the bull frog seeing his grandkids (his Anleese). I get so emotional sometimes, just thinking about how much I love my kids. She looked at me when I told her I had to get up and said 'Love you momma" and gave me a kiss. I went in the bathroom to change my facial bandage and she put one on her face too, in the same spot as mine. I miss watching the news and being informed from sources other than NPR (I love NPR but sometimes like to listen to liberals talk about the news, too). But if I skipped these morning moments with my children I would lose out on so much more.

Gus learned that if he squeeks we run to him.  He now squeeks, waits till Dave or i say 'What is it Guster?' and he then laughs hysterically.  God i love that little boy.

It is no surprise that the last two weeks have been a struggle for us.  I had no idea how much stress not having working plumbing can do to a family.  But alas, everything was in working order last night and both Dave and i are in exuberant moods because of this.  When i feel good i notice the good stuff more, i feel the happiness of the moment to a greater degree, and i become easily intoxicated with our amazing kids.  To that end, here is a list of amazing, sweet, quirky and fun things that our kids are doing right now

1. Dave bought Analise a volcano light for her bedroom.  Basically, it is a square filled with water that has a volcano planted on the bottom.  The back lights up and air is pushed out of the volcano at intervals, releasing air and beads.  Analise calls this her 'Cano lamp'.  When Dave and the kids picked me up from work yesterday Analise was so excited, she kept saying'Cano lamp mommy!  Cano SOOOO beautiful. Smart and pretty Cano mommy.'  She agreed to sleep with her overhead light in her bedroom off so she could watch the beautiful cano explode.... and she stayed in her bed quiet as an angel for an hour just gasping with glee when the volcano exploded.

2. Gus loves his feet, loves chewing on his feet, and loves sucking on his toes.  Last night while we were watching the beautiful Cano with Analise gus got a good grip on his foot and gave himself a little hicky on his heel.  In typical amazing baby fashion he just giggled hysterically then switched feet.

3. Analise is in the language stage where she repeats what she hears, and uses Dave and i's word choices to help her navigate her own use of language.  I feel like a great momma because she now tells me she is 'doing great job, momma, great job!' whenever she eats a bite of food, picks up a toy, kisses her brother, or dances in circles.  When she is coloring she stops every few minutes to say 'Its so beautiful!' to herself before she continues on her drawing.

4. Gus has started to use a superman pose during tummy time.  He works really hard to pull those little ham hock legs up underneath him, grasps the blanket firmly with both hands. The flails all four limbs outward at once.  I think he is trying to propel his body by sheer determination.  after a couple seconds, when he realizes that he is still in the same spot, he lowers his little legs, finds his left thumb and gives it a thoughtful suck.  The without warning he is flailing again, determined to move.

5. Analise is finally getting old enough to understand simple directions for song and movement.  We started with the Hokey Pokey and my goodness, she loves it!  Except she gets really excited at the turn yourself about part... she will just keep spinning and screaming out 'POKEY POKEY POKEY' then fall over laughing hysterically.  Now that she talks so much she completes the moment by looking at Dave and saying 'I so funny Daddy'.

6. The best part of life now is that our kids love each other.  Fierce Love.  Loyal Love.  I may accidently not like you for a moment but i will love you forever love.  Every time Gus hears Analise's voice he searches frantically for her. When he finally finds her in his gaze he laughs and coos and smiles.  Analise will go up to Gus at random moments in time and stoke his head, saying 'Gussy good baby.  Gussy baby i love it!'.  Last night, again while watching the Cano light, Analise readjusted how she was sitting, grabbed Gus's hands, gave him a little kiss and said 'love you Gussy'.  They both fell asleep holding hands.

Being a mom is hard because i want to be everything these little kids need.  When everything else is overwhelming i can get lost in the shuffle of negative thoughts.  I can focus on the bills, or the fights, or the negative people that populate all of our lives in some way.  Its when i remember to forget all that, to get down on the floor and look at my kids with nothing else in my head, that the brilliance of humanity displays itself.  My daughter has never said 'I can't do it', if she finds something difficult she just sings the 'just keep trying' song.  She has never said the word hate, and she feels safe saying 'i love you' or 'i love it' any time she feels that emotion.  What a profound gift and challenge Dave and i have now, to steer their childhoods in such a way that they are always willing to keep trying, never afraid to say i love you, and always see themselves as good and smart and interesting.  Our kids are such awesome people.

edited to add-
Analise has also taken to saying TA DA!!!... Unfortunately she says this when she knows she is breaking a rule because she knows it makes me laugh.  Like this morning, she shoved her entire hand into her yogurt, scooped it out, threw it onto the table and made a circle with it.  She looked at me and could tell i was going to correct her behavior.  So she threw up a couple jazz hands, smiled and screamed TA DA.  So cute

I haven't done a meme in forever.  I dont have time to go back and comment on everyone's who already did it asking for questions, so i am breaking the rules.  If you want to ask five, do it in the comments, if you want me to ask five, do it in the comments, too.  I'm such a rebel breaking all the rules!

These are from doraphilia

1) What is the biggest personality difference between Analise and Gus?

They have completely different degrees of personal space.  Analise has no need for any personal space, and loves to be constantly inside everyone's personal space bubble.  Gus likes to have space, likes to go to sleep on his own, etc.  He loves to be held and touched, but only at specific times.  Analise would like nothing more that being held and hugged and kissed 24 hours a day

2) Describe your dream job (I am recycling this question because it's a good one!)

This has definitely changed in the last year.  I have two.  One would be a politician on the state level, but we will never have the money to finance a campaign so i think that is a pipe dream.  But if i did have the money, and my kids were a little older, i would love to serve in the state legislature.  I love critical thinking, and research, and breaking apart big picture problems into small tackle-worthy pieces.

The second one would be a novelist.  I love to write, if i could sell one of my books and have it pay enough for me to write full time i think i would be happiest.  I could spend more time just being present with my kids.  Over last weekend i realized how much people are around their kids, but not exactly engaged with them.  When i am at a park with my kids i want to experience it as they do and really live the moment with them, not set them up to enjoy themselves then turn to other pursuits.  Being present in the moment and not lost in the rest of the world makes me a better mom and person, and also gives me clarity when i try to write.  The book i am working on now is probably the first one i will actually finish, and the first one i think might be good enough to send to a publisher and use to try and get a book agent.

3) What do you like most about having moved to the suburbs? What do you miss most about leaving the city?

I love having green space everywhere, and the relative quickness of traveling.  I had completely forgotten the difference in drive times for a city mile and a suburban mile until we moved out here.  I miss being close to public transit, especially now that i can't safely drive myself around.  It would be nice to take the kids somewhere not walking distance when Dave is sleeping on the weekends.

4) What are some of your favorite healthy foods?

Asparagus, as long as it is lightly cooked, is my favorite vegetable.  I miss being a vegetarian a lot, i felt so much better.  I want to grow a little garden next year, because my favorites for healthy foods have to be anything i can plant, cultivate, grow and harvest.  Being present for the process makes it delicious.  Honestly, this question was hard for me to answer which shows me i have gotten way off track with my dietary choices!

5) Tell me your favorite childhood memory.

My dad and grandpa took my sisters and i frogging in a marsh in michigan.  Basically, we had 20 glass jars with lids that had holes and a station wagon with the seats down.  We caught what felt like 30 frogs, got soaked to the bone with mud and water, and had so much fun.  Exhausted, we got into our car to go home and quickly realized that i was putting jars into the car with the lids off, and the frogs were jumping everywhere.  It was wild.  My grandpa and i did a lot of outdoors stuff, which i remember with great fondness.  He taught me how to fish, too, and also how to find tracks from animals in the woods.

Our life has been a constant whirl wind over the last two weeks.It all started 11 days ago when our bathroom vent started leaking suspicious looking liquid, and turned into us using a bathroom down the hall for a toilet and a bathroom across a parking lot, around a pond and in another building for showers.  Between living at three places, seeing grandparents, and being totally disrupted from normal life Analise lost her urge for her binky.

That's right, my 2 year, 3 month, 25 day old daughter just decided that it was too complicated to keep her binky.  One week ago today i had enough with our bathroom situation, especially since Dave had to work overnight and i would not be able to leave our apartment in the middle of the night should the need arise.  We recieved access to a second, fully furnished apartment.  Unfortunately it was a one bedroom, but i decided to take the kids over and have the three of us sleep on a king size bed together.  It was better than staying at home, where our bathroom door was off its hinges and now a large seemingly bottomless open sewer pipe was exposed in our bathroom floor where a toilet used to stand.

At first the kids had fun, but by 9pm i needed to get them to sleep.  And then i realized that Analise's binky was gone.  Analise was a girl who would rather sit up and ask for a binky (very politely mind you) 300 times in a row than risk getting into a horizontal position without it.  Binky please binky please, please momma a binky.  I need it momma, binky momma.  Anleese neeeeed it, blue binky momma.  please momma need it momma.  love you momma, momma find binky?

I searched, i cried, i just could not find it.  2 hours later, with plenty of tears  from all three of us, we were asleep.  Analise woke up a couple times, but she settled herself.  And the rule of binky in our house was over.

I have been planning an intervention to get the binky out of our lives for months.  I had talked to her doctor, who was going to take her binky when she turned into a 'big girl' and give her a big girl prize to replace it (something i would have bought and brought into the appointment).  Dave and i discussed the timing of when the binky should leave, as some pediatricians recommend not disrupting a reliance on the binky until after age three when the sucking reflect dissapears and others think you should not let a child have a bink after age 6 months.  We talked to her about how super cool it would be to become an official big girl at her next doctor appointment by giving her binky away.  When i say we were heavily invested in the prepatory period of this transition i mean it.

And then one night we are forced to sleep somewhere new and scary and different, and suddenly she doesn't want it anymore.  A lot of parts of parenting are like this.  We worry so much about timing, when natural desires within our child will be our cue and our answer.  She is becoming such a big girl.

Speaking of new chapters and transitions, our little guy is officially five months old.  And he discovered that he has feet, which lead to a discovery that he likes his feet to be unhindered by pesky things like socks, which lead to the final, best discovery of all, that he loves to chew his own feet.  And he is a chunk.  A real life michelin baby with rolls on every appendage.  When he reaches that critical moment and gets his little foot all the way to his mouth he usually flails to the side, the proportions of his little body just dont allow balance in that position.  Thankfully he just giggles and tries again.  I have a giggling baby boy who has started to develop gross motor skills.  I have a growing little lady that suddenly seems so much older now that she decided not to need a bink.  My children are slowly growing, and they are amazing.

At least i waited until GW did horrific, and documented/proven, things before i started speaking negatively about him. 

Sometimes the best answer to raising children is to step out of yourself and think about how it feels to be them.  Also, how other people treat their children and how they expect their children to behave should have absolutely no bearing on how we raise our own children. And dirty looks from other parents? Sometimes they are just proof that you are doing something right, not wrong.

 

 This Sunday we went to a fall festival with the kids. Just over being sick, I wanted to get everyone out of the house and enjoying nature. I think it is awesome to get dirty, to play with animals, to chase grasshoppers just to see how they move, to talk to animals who don’t know how to talk back, and to run so fast and wildly that you fall down in a fit of giggles. It’s called being a kid. How can we possibly be expected to grow into active adults who don’t wallow away watching TV if we are afraid of dirt, or running, or just being curious?

 

We arrive at the festival and Analise is ready to run. She goes through a hay house by herself, but is laughing so hard and talking so loudly to the other kids that I could have grabbed her in an instant. A rooster escaped its pen, and she followed it, moving her elbows ducking her head and saying the ever appropriate ‘brock-brockbrockbrock-brooooock’. Watching our child run so carefree caused panic in some surrounding parents, so we corralled her and tried to hold her. She screamed and fought us. All she wanted to do was walk on her own two feet.  To hell with people who think she should be harnessed to a stroller at all times, my girl loves to run and play and laugh and skip.   We never let her go more than a few feet away from us, and we never take our eyes off of her.  She understands the rules, and never runs away.  Shouldn't children be allowed to experience life by touching it, instead of watching from a stroller?

 

After we realized the futility of trying to keep her in our arms, we let her roam free, but always within feet of us. We got in line for a tractor ride. Her excitement was palpable. She kept grabbing my leg, screaming out with anticipation ‘Gooooo momma, go tractor train ride hay momma’. I encourage anyone with a two year old, past or present, to imagine talking up a ride then not getting on the first or second tractor that pulled through to pick up the kids. Travesty. So I did what I thought was best, I let her run in the field after a particularly large grasshopper, squish her fingers in mud, and pull out clumps of grass from the middle of the tractor-trod road. At one point in time her excitement reached a boiling point. She got the grasshopper to land on.her.hand. and it was gooood. She was laughing and spitting out words faster than even I could capture.

 

When the little guy bounded away, she started to examine the consistency of mud by smearing it on her sweater. Like I have posted about before, I think mud is a great learning tool. This older matronly lady looked at me and said ‘there goes her sweater!’ Not realizing she had every intention of being rude, I replied ‘It’s OK. She’s 2’. That is the right answer, by the way. Analise is two, and as long as I say it is OK and I am watching her she can do what she likes. This woman looked at me and said ‘Even two year olds should be clean’. Still not really getting it that she was commenting on my parenting, I replied, ‘Yeah, tonight’s bath is going to be a long one!’ My children are always clean when we leave the house, but I’ll be damned if we ever come home clean. I personally think the happiness of some days is directly proportional to the amount of dirt and dust and paint and whatnot covering us when we get home.

 

We eventually made it over the farm and into this neat little area in the woods where craft tables were set up. We made a turkey magnet that was unfortunately lost before we made it home. She learned to play instruments with the help of some wonderful volunteers in 1880’s dress, then we made it to the highlight of the day, the pumpkin patch.

 

Analise loves pumpkins. For the grand price of $2 she could pick out her own pumpkin and decorate it with a bag of feathers, corn cobs, and other gear. This was a lesson for Dave and i in managing expectations. We kept trying to get her to pick a pumpkin and sit down at the craft table. Not happening. Finally, I asked Dave what the harm would be if we just took the décor kit home with us and let her run around with the pumpkins. That, my friends, was the right choice. She ran from pumpkin to pumpkin, giving them names and calling them her friends. She lined them up, and then tried to stack them. She went up to each one and called it her favorite. I think she even stole a few kisses. A locate news station was there and she walked into them taping a commercial spot for the festival and said ‘pumpykins FUN!’ really loudly. I wonder if she is famous yet?

 

Throughout the day I was reminded that we are not like other parents. I also was reminded, while watching her babble about falling leaves and pigs and grasshoppers after her (long and meticulous) bath, of how lucky our kids are that we aren’t. 

Life has been really busy, this is my first time on a computer since Friday.  I am going to make a bullet point entry, then (hopefully) come back sometime this week and really write.

1. dating my husband is awesome.  Here is picture proof that we actually went out and got fancy



2. Dave and i stayed out for over 5 hours and managed to only talk about our kids less than half the time!

3. My parents were here and they are much better at getting pictures posted places.  So i present for your enjoyment, photos of my children from this weekend.


And this one is my favorite




4. I went for major scary testing Monday, and we may finally be able to move forward on my health

5. I got a haircut Monday, it is shoulder length now, about 4 inches shorter

6. we had the new friends from the apartment complex over last night, and our kids loved on each other and played together so well

7. Go back to #3 and repeat your view.  Could i have better looking children?  I think not ;)

Gus said mamamama last night.  I know that at his age he is just putting sounds out, learning how it feels to let consonants roll off his tongue.  Still, Gus said mamamama and good gracious, i couldn't stop the water works. 

I worked at a mission fair on Sunday. Normally Mission Fairs (Christian churches have agencies come out who are supported through the church’s collections or through their volunteer groups)  are fun, easy ways to blow 5 hours of time. Now that Dave and I have such awkward schedules, though, Sundays are the ONLY day where neither one of us works or needs naps from working, etc. We use Sunday afternoons to pack in as much family time and love as you can imagine. I did not realize how much we needed that time, and how much I relished it, until we didn’t have it. I spent 4 hours at the mission fair then came home. Dave and I were both in moods, then it started to rain, then I decided to clean the house. I love having a clean house, but I think I really jumped into it as an escape from the attitudes of Dave. It took us both until well into the evening to realize we were both pissy because we had spent no time together, awake and functional, in over a week. But alas as soon as I realized it I had to pull together everything for today and go to bed. I tried to stay awake but a working, breastfeeding momma of two needs to get at least 6 hours of sleep. I miss my husband.

 

And now to go backwards, the rest of the weekend was lovely. Friday Analise put herself down by 7:30, I watched all my Thursday night TV favorites and ANTM before going to bed. Saturday Dave had to work late, so instead of coming home and going to bed at 6am he didn’t get home till 7:30, right when I was leaving with the kids. He decided to stay awake and hang out with us that morning instead of going to bed and hanging with us in the evening. We went to McDonald’s for breakfast. We needed something cheap and highly caloric for Dave, so it was the responsible choice. Afterwards we went to the park and Analise climbed a rope bridge, walked across a 6 foot high rock boulder, and scaled a slide backwards all by herself. Seriously, my little one is a monkey. I never realized she was advanced in her physical capabilities (beyond the fact that all moms think their kids are perfect and advanced), but I see other kids her age and talk to moms with kids her age and she really is wildly physically adept. And of course she is perfect ;)

 

We took a walk in the forest and then went to the duck pond to laugh at ducks. Have you ever really been present with a 2 year old as they laugh? I mean, be so involved in them that for a moment you almost remember what it was like to see a duck quack and splash away for the first time? Amazing. I was so overwhelmed with worry about Dave being late getting home, and about him not sleeping enough, and about Gus’s new penchant for drooling that I nearly missed it. But I didn’t. And I watched Analise discover how, in her words, ‘totally awesome duckies fly water wet when sad scared momma’. So worth it. Now if I could skip the part where my fears and anxiety and worries get away from me, and still keep these earth shattering simple yet beautiful moments with my daughter life would be grand. More grand than it already is, I mean.

 

Saturday afternoon Dave slept and the kids and I went to the park. We played in the mud for an hour, then we found a cicada half way through shedding its too tight skin and metamorphing (that isn’t a word, but I am forgetting my biology right now). She was so amazed. We sat, Gus in the stroller and Analise on my lap, watching this bug emerge for 20 minutes. She kept giving me progress notes and refusing to move on to more exciting activities until the bug ‘out of shell momma, out and fly!’. 

 

When we got home we were exhausted but happy. We woke up Dave for a trip to DQ. Introducing Analise to an ice cream cone was another surreal experience. I explained how she would have two kinds of ice cream swirled together, and how it would be on a cone. I tried to express the importance of the occasion, being allowed to hold her ice cream. When we got to DQ she was overwhelmed with excitement. She could not believe it! She had ice cream! In her hands! And it was goooood. She kept talking to it and about it, then when she reached the cone I caught her just in time—I explained she could eat that part, too. She took a bite and could not stop giggling. ‘Eat too mommy! Eat too!’ and she was so excited that she bit through the middle of the cone, then the bottom, then the top before it fell to the ground. She then took my cone and giggled as she explained to me that she could eat the WHOLE THING. All the way to the car she talked about how ice cream is good. And she kept saying her new favorite phrase ‘I LIKE it momma, like it likeit  like it!!’ Afraid that having ice cream at 7pm was a really bad idea, judging from her hyper repetition of loving adoration for the ice cream cone, we decided to do a couple errands. We had nothing to worry about, though, our little angel talked herself right into a sweet slumber. I carried her into our house and she woke up slightly when I took off her shoes. She looked at me and said ‘OK momma’, then grabbed her stuffed ducky and closed her eyes. The excitement was just too much, and she could not stay awake a moment more.

 

If anyone would have told me three years ago that buying diapers and stopping for ice cream would be my plans for a Saturday night I would have laughed with derision. But seriously, I became a super hero to my daughter by letting her sit on a picnic bench and hold her own $1 kiddie cone of swirl DQ soft serve. I feel so honored to get to be her hero now. I know that soon enough she will realize I don’t know everything, and then she will think that she knows more than me, then of course come the years where I am the lame one she has to tolerate. But right now I can be the one who makes everything ok, or better than ok or even great sometimes. I really love this.

Last night both kids went to sleep by 8pm. No one woke up in the middle of the night. Gus woke up to eat at 5:30am, the perfect time because I usually get ready for work from 5:45-6:30 before I leave for the office. Did someone trade in my family for a sleeping  upgrade? Like I needed more reasons to be completely in love with them.

 

Dave’s paycheck was $150 more than we expected. I am getting a hair cut, first one in a year! And I am going to buy a new pair of shoes. I only own one pair of work appropriate shoes that fit my post pregnancy feet, and they are sandals, so this is a much needed splurge. Even if the check was the amount we budgeted for, we had planned to have a small sum of cash for each of us (first time in a couple years to have any extra pocket cash) and $25 a week to spend on activities for the kids.  So that means that… drum roll please…. We will be able to put money into our savings account for the first time since I found out I was pregnant!

 

We obviously aren’t rich. But after living hand to mouth and literally having less than $1 in our account this feels good. Living on love and little else was the best life lesson. We can make it through anything. We don’t need ‘stuff’, we need each other, and humor, and love. How many times over the last two years I reached the point of frustration that only kicking the wall or screaming brought relief is beyond count. When Dave and I realized we were fighting the same battles, drawing a line in the sand against a common foe, Life became easier. The absurdity of new struggles brought us to tears of laughter instead of frustration. We could just look at each other and say ‘Well, we ARE the Schroeder family after all’ and that would quell the fear of needing new brakes far earlier than expected, or being diagnosed with a weird ailment, or whatever. We learned to use this phrase as our power mantra… any ill twist of fate turned into a raucous chorus of laughter at just how many levels of shit we have to wade through in order to reach our personal version of the American Dream.

 

And now I’ve had a 24 hour period of time that I slept 8 hours straight, took a shower, found an extra pocket of money large enough for shoes and a hair cut, and continued to fall more in love with my family. Seriously, one layer of shit has been successfully waded world, and we are ready to tackle the rest.

When Analise does something that i want to say 'NO' to, i ask myself the following questions:

1. Will it hurt anyone if she does it?
2. Is saying no to protect me from cleaning up a mess or for her protection?
3. What is she learning from doing what she is doing?
4. Instead of saying no how can i participate with her and make the experience something awesome for both of us?

Thus going to the park to spend the entire time rolling in the wet dirt of the baseball diamond became an experience in geometry and earth science.  Carrying around three different types of grapes became a picnic in our family room where grapes became everything and anything else we wanted.  Hanging off the top of the coach became balance beam practice (with mom's help of course).  And my favorite from last night, sitting in Gus's vibrating chair became the best way to go to sleep without a sleep crutch.

When 'no' stopped being my reflexive response to something i dont see as good or fun or fulfilling, i began to see the world as Analise might.  Of course mud is fascinating, something that is solid and liquid and oozy and sticky.  I still love the feeling of squishing mud between my toes.  Next time we will wear clothes that we never want to wear again.  Lesson learned.  I hate having food outside the kitchen, but if it is a special 'picnic' and we put a blanket down to catch runaway crumbs, is there any harm in playing make believe?  And it is so worth it to sit down with my smart angel on my lap and have her explain what each thing is 'duck momma, mushroom duck!' and eat her pretend creations. 

Kids are amazing.  When i completely shut off from everything other than Analise and Gus The experience is so rewarding.  Who knew a two year old could teach you so much about having an open mind, or finding the hidden joy in every object?  Tonight we are going to take a walk and catch some colored leafs on our nature trail, then we are going to make Daddy a surprise present for him to find on the door when he gets home from work tomorrow.  We have Saturday, Sunday and Monday wide open to play and experience life together as a family.  I am thinking of going to an orchard, the free zoo in Aurora, and the riverwalk in Naperville.  Maybe we will go down to the Elmhurst Creek and let her try to catch minnows with a bucket.  I am so looking forward to three days of family time.  I can't even explain how much more special the moments the four of us are all awake and playing together are now that they are so infrequent.

This morning their was a leaf bug stuck on the glass door of work.  One of my co workers was near by and asked me what it was.  I gave a description that i learned from Horton Hears a Who.  It must be a new chapter of mommy hood when your knowledge of science is firmly grasped through children's programming 

Some great things are happening with my children.  Here are 8 things from last night that made me smile, get a little weepy, and exclaim at least a dozen times that i have the most amazing family

1. Analise said 'Hold me Gussy!' and grabbed him and started petting his head in the most lovely way
2. Gus is so ticklish.  I gave him raspberries yesterday and his belly laugh was like audible magic.  He laughs like my dad, deep and gutteral and throaty and hearty. 
3. Analise was watching 'Yo Gabba Gabba' while i cooked dinner.  They teach dancing moves during the shows, and last night it was the funky penguin.  Analise ran up to me so excited and squealed 'I funky momma!  watch leesie be funky!' then started to dance
4. Gus woke up from a little nap while i was getting dave's lunch and dinner made.  I had dirty hands so i just called out to him 'hi my little lover-dink von- humperdink' and he giggled outright and gave me the most award winning smile
5. Analise is learning sentance structure.  Right now she thinks that the more words she strings together the more likely i will be to understand what she wants.  last night she said 'more Gabba show on the tv please momma, more gabba gabba show on the TV!'.  How does she do that at 26 months old?  I would call her gifted, but we all already know she is intelligent and beautiful and everything else ;)
6. I gave Gus a bath last night and he didn't pee in my face.  This is the first bath i have given him when i didn't end up covered in pee
7. Analise wouldn't eat dinner, so i told her she had to eat two noodles (we were having baked ziti) before she could get up.  She started talking to me about gearing up for the main event 'i do it, leesie eat two noodles.  two noodles momma.  ready momma.  two three four, no two noodles.'  I was encouraging her and talking up how awesome it would be to eat that noodle.  She got her fork, with the carefully speared noodles (the prongs of the form have to go through the whole of the noodle, not pierce its sides) put it next to her mouth, gave me the most devilish look, licked the noodles, said 'ACHOO" and took them off her fork and put them on the floor.  OK, i know deceit shouldn't make me smile but it was so damn cute.
8. I was holding Gus and singing to Analise to get her to sleep.  When i get to the line 'As long as i am living your momma i'll be' Gus started to smile and giggle and show me his perfect two dimples that are placed just like his daddy's dimples.  Sometimes i look at him and want nothing more than to just stay there, in that moment, and drink in how amazing it is to have this little guy in our life.

I can't believe how fast babies grow and change.   I want so desperately to cling to this final chapter of raising an infant that i will ever have, but every moment and stage is so fleeting.

Last week was so much harder than i thought it would be.  Monday began with excitement to return to the working world, but trepidation at leaving my kids.  By the end of  the day i had a dull ache in my heart, just a longing to see my babies.  Tuesday i went to work heavy hearted, but tried to keep it together.  By Wednesday i felt physical effects from missing my children.  Thursday night i (accidently) enouraged Analise to stay up past her bedtime just so i could have more time with her.By Friday afternoon i was filled with an intense need to hold onto my kids, to sing to them and talk to them and love on them non stop.  I wanted nothing more than to just be fully present with my kids, to stoop down to eye level and talk about how amazing ants and bees and dinosaurs are. 

Dave worked an overnight on Friday and a morning shift on Sunday, so we had a full glorious day on Saturday to be a family and a great amount of Sunday for family time, too.  We went to the park, trooped around a forest preserve, had close encounters with ducks and leaf bugs, and genuinely lived every moment of our weekend with gusto.  Sunday we went to 'Go Bananas' for a birthday party and did some grocery shopping.  Even shopping for groceries was fun (Analise kept taking things out of the cart and talking about them. At one time she took some yogurt, told me yogurt was yummy, pantomimed eating the yogurt, then fake burped to top of the make-believe).  Sunday night we were exhausted, but so full of happiness. 

I want to remember this yearning for my children.  I am sure that as i get used to working again the desire to rush home will start to wear off.  I know that it will get easier to say goodbye, or to chose to spend my free time not playing with my kids.  I need to remember how my heart melted at the sight of Gus's smile when i grabbed him and kissed the top of his head.  I need to revisit that moment on Saturday that i teared up when Analise said 'momma house STAY!'.  Being a working mom is great, i love what i do and i love that my work will teach my kids how important it is to give all people healthcare and housing.  But i need to remind myself always that being a mom trumps being a worker bee, and that the only thing i need lose my head about is raising good children and building an ever stronger marriage.  I am only good at my job when i have balance in my life.  And the intense yearning i had for my kids last week, and today, reminded me of that.

this article is wild, and also something that i hadn't really thought about regarding the health care debate.

http://www.nonprofitquarterly.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1406:nonprofits-we-must-start-beating-the-drum&catid=151:tim-delaney&Itemid=124

Basically, in all the health care reform talks and ideas non profit employers are not addressed.  We don't pay the same taxes as for profit companies, so tax incentives will not change our dire situation with raising health care costs for our workers. 

Family coverage at my non profit has more than quadrupled since i started working here, from $89 a month in 2006 to $525 a month now.  Illinois' version of SCHIP makes it impossible to sign children up for free health care if their parents are employed when they lose health care benefits.  Even though our income qualifies, in other words, i cannot use this public option unless i also quit my job therefore giving my children no other option for health care.

But this isn't about my family alone.  I should have realized that the plans for making healthcare affordable currently on the table do not affect my agency or my chosen career.  And this speaks to a bigger problem, too.  As non profits we get so sucked into being nice and not wanting to offend that we forget the value we bring to the economy, the importance of our existence on unemployment rates (both on who we employ and the services we provide to help others find employment), and our essential function in the financial sector (how many financial institutions have branches and people dedicated to philanthropic giving at both the organizational and personal level?).

If we don't stop and speak up for ourselves who will?  It isn't just the people we serve who we need to advocate for anymore.  We need to speak up for ourselves.  Read the article, it is good.

How can it only be Thursday?

Dave is slugging away, working over night shifts and watching the kids during the day while I work day shifts and care for the kids during the night. When Dave isn’t home Gus and I co-sleep. Last night it took four tries, but Analise actually went to bed and put herself to sleep. This is a huge new accomplishment, and a new milestone in our family. Being able to take her to bed, read some stories and sing songs, then turn off the light and leave is amazing. Especially when I only have the two hours between when she goes to bed and when Gus and I do to clean up the house, run the dishwasher, lay out clothes for the next day, prepare all three meals for the next day in advance (chopping, dicing etc), do laundry and shower.

 

I have been talking up how ‘super cool, Dude!’ it is to sleep in your own bed the whole night and not get up and yell. I always talk about how awesome it is when Analise acts like a big girl, and every time she does anything ‘big-girl’ like we have a dance party moment and sing and get excited. She is starting to really understand big girl concepts, like putting on her own clothes, telling us when her diaper needs changing (or even asking to use the potty sometimes), and now sleeping in her own room and putting herself to sleep. Amazing. 

 

Kids growing up and learning how to label and respond to their environment takes my breath away on a regular basis. Having Analise go from saying words to (almost) complete sentences is astonishing. She doesn’t just point and say duckie anymore, she says ‘momma, ducky swimming. Ducky baby swimming momma’. Trying to understand her brother’s eating habits, she went from saying ‘momma booboo (boob)’, to saying ‘momma booboo milkie’, to saying ‘momma booboo milkie Gussy’ just this week. And the look of accomplishment she has in her eyes when she figures out how to say a complete sentence, that moment of triumph as she completes relaying a thought or feeling that just weeks ago was too complex for her to utter, makes me glow inside. When Dave gets home from work in the morning as we are dressing for the day she runs to him laughing and saying ‘silly daddy’ with complete glee on her face. When she sees me after work she always says ‘A MOMMA!” like it is a surprise that not only A momma, but HER momma has returned. 

 

But away from my language tangent and back to the bedtime story. Last night it took four tries but she finally went to sleep on her own and didn’t get out of her room again. After rushing around to get Dave’s dinner ready for when he woke up for work (9pm) and packing him a lunch to take for his shift (10pm-6am) I was exhausted. Gus and I fell into bed and I nursed him to sleep. I then passed out cold. I woke up at 3am this morning to Analise coming into our room. Hoping she would return to her own space I pretended to stay asleep. Instead of leaving, however, she lay down next to Gus, grabbed his hand, and asked him to snuggle (“hug Gussy?” to be exact). Worried about having all of us in the bed I asked her to come to the other side, so I slept with one baby on each arm. When I woke up for the day a couple hours later Analise had crawled up to my pillow, lay across it horizontally, and was holding both of Gus’s hands in her own. I crawled out of bed and turned on the coffee maker. I went back to wake them up and found Analise had taken my spot and was laying side to side with Gus, just smiling and doting on him. 

 

Can I order 365 more mornings this sweet please? Except maybe instead of 3am she joins us at 6 when I get out of bed? Now that she can tell me when she is frustrated ‘hold ME momma, hold ME’, and tell me when she wants me to stop paying attention to Gus and pay attention to her ‘Gus’s chair momma. Gus sleepy chair!’, we get on so much better. There is so much more love shared between them now, and the animosity she felt towards his arrival has nearly completely dissipated. It’s mutual, too; Gus looks for her whenever he hears her voice and rewards her with gorgeous two dimpled, full faced smiles whenever she comes over to play. Watching these beings turn from completely dependent entities into functional humans, and watching the evolution of their language, their feelings and their understanding changes me every day. Hearing my daughter explain to me how the ants on the sidewalk were going home when they stepped onto the grass suddenly seems so much more interesting than listening to another television show displaying their version of reality. My reality, full of peanut butter hugs and watching ants parading down the sidewalk, is the most pacifying reality I have ever experienced.

Anothing something i never thought i would do... We watched Hello Kitty at 2am while i nursed Gus and tried to explain to an anxious two year old that momma would stay even if her eyes closed....  Long night.

And she finally calls me something again, not just making the maaa sound.  Today she called me mom ma mom.  I like it

Hey Chicagoans... Dave and I are going to attempt to take the kids to Millenium Park Monday night (6:30pm) to see their 'Shell-abration'.  One of our favorite alt-country music artists, Bobby Bare Jr., will be performing with his father, famous classic country artist Bobby Bare Sr., performing work that was written by Shel Silverstien.  We would love it if any of you wanted to join us.  We plan on going straight from the kid's well baby check up and bringing a picnic dinner.  We will also have a couple big blankets.  It is definitely a kid friendly event (Ashley and Nancy, we could corral our kids together), but all the music i know by the Bares is not kids music, so it should be fun for adult only joiners, too.

Also, this is probably our last social event before we move, as our move date is creeping up fast and we are so not ready yet.

To recap
come see a show at milenium park with us
Monday, July 13th at 6:30pm
bring kids if you wanna

I hope it doesn't rain!

Oh, and a real update soon to come, i just need a moment to organize my thoughts!

My little girl is amazing.  This weekend we spent some quality hours at the pool of a hotel (Thanks to Dave's Dad and step Mom being in town).  For the last year, really since she grew old enough to show real personality and preferences, i thought Analise was 100% Dave.  She acts like him, throwing herself into life with this timid and analytical stance, hoping to see the end of an event before she sets foot at the beginning.  I know, she's two (or will be in 5 days).  Still, watching her learn how to trust her environment, how to allow herself to be vulnerable, is amazing.  She never fears getting dirty, or falling from a play structure, but she likes to know that yes, mommy has wipes to get the mud off and yes, daddy will be right there to kiss the boo boos.  Like i said, she is Dave.  He never fears leaping into a new situation, as long as he sees that the inevitable, be it good or bad, is at least predictable.

This weekend she dove into swimming with a passion.  Checking to make sure she had her mommy and grandma at arms length, she tested the waters.  First she clung and dipped her toes, learning that cold water felt good.  Then she bravely switched who was holding her, allowing more of her body to experience the water,  By the end of the day she was asking to be tossed in the air, laughing like a maniac.  She played with complete abandon, as long as she had mommy in her sights.  By the end of the second round of swimming she was flapping around without being held (wearing a kiddie life-vest suit thing of course).  Grandpa came down to watch, and Dave jumped in, too.  It was sheer bliss.  She may have displayed the carefully planned abandonment of her father, but she swam like a little fish, just like her mommy.  What an amazing way to spend our fourth of July, and what a sweet way to finally see some of myself in my little girl. 

I had one factual error in my last post- Dave's dad is treated for depression, not bipolar.  Other than that i stand by every word of my post, every feeling i expounded on, and all my fears as a mother.  A few points need to be made regarding my anonymous commenter, their thoughts, and the reactions to their thoughts.  I don't need to defend myself, my amazing friends have already done that for me (Thanks Bekah, Dora and Ashley).

Firstly, these comments may be listed as anonymous, but Dave and i both know exactly who wrote them.  Those of you angered by this person's lack of humanity, her utter disregard for truth, or her complete misrepresentation of my family have a right to those feelings.  But this woman needs prayers and support more than admonishments or anger.  She is a sad, sorry soul who really did have a terrible hand in life.  The demons she fights against from her family history aren't genetic, but they are deep, and ugly, and next to impossible to truly overcome.  Her desire to hurt me, destroy my family, and denigrate my children are an effort to boost her own life.  Someone this disturbed needs our compassion. 

Second- Dave and i love our children more than life itself.  Our complete devotion to their needs, our desire to protect them at any length, and our obsession with keeping them safe and healthy and happy rule our life.  And they are amazing kids.  I would never say anything less.  Analise is brilliant and sweet and shows more compassion for others than most adults can muster.  She lights every moment of my life, and i will be eternally greatful that her thrombocytosis resolved itself.  Gus is amazing as well, and is already challenging my assumption of just how much someone can love another soul.  They may have a stacked hand genetically, but they have parents willing to love them at all costs, which cancels the other part out.

And Dave's vasectomy is part one of our permanent birth control measures.  Mine comes after i heal from surgery.

Last night i watched the television show mental.  Do any of you watch it?  It is a fascinating drama about the mental health profession.  Last night the episode was about a bipolar kid.  It was so terrifying.  Bipolarism is genetic, so my kids have a really strong chance of being bipolar.  Dave, his father, his maternal grandmother and his maternal great grandmother all have/had bipolar disorder.  When Dave and i had our first date he went so far as to tell me, right then, that he had a mental illness (at the time he was diagnosed as depressed, not bipolar) and that he had a family history of mental illness.  Before we had kids we talked over his mental health history in detail and still decided we wanted to have children of our own.  Watching that show was a reality check i am not sure i was prepared for.

Everyone wants their kids to be happy and healthy.  When you enter into parenthood it is never with the intention of creating a sick child, or a clinically depressed child, or anything of the sort. But our choice to have children with our biology, our choice to give our kids this russian roulette wheel, was that selfish?  Dave's family history is full of mental illness.  My family is full of cancer, heart disease and fertility issues.  Did we sign our kids up for a life of failed health, both physical and mental? 

I have been obsessed with researching how to detect mental illness in children since we reached viability with Analise's pregnancy.  Every time i see something seemingly inoccuous, like repetitious wheel spinning, i run possible diagnosises through my head, like autism.  However, the reality of the most likely illness they could have didn't show itself to me until i saw this show.  Will my kids feel stuck inside their own heads at age 8?  Will my kids try to commit suicide because they see no other way to make their brain make sense? 

And if they do not have mental illness, will they suffer through incurable cancer?  Will Analise have to watch doctor after doctor laugh when they look at her medical chart as they say 'looks like we have a typo, this is your 1st pregnancy, right?  not your 11th?'  Will she and her husband have to sign fetal death papers so often they begin to forget the dates of all the children they lost while trying to bring them into the world?

Just when i feel like we are doing a great job giving our kids a good life, i get plagued with doubt.  When i tell Analise and Gus about their family, or about their journey to be born, will they feel like they were giving a bad hand at life? 

I keep losing .5-1 lbs per day this week.  I love to get on the scale in the mornings, which is not the norm.  Unfortunately i know that the 'free weight loss' will be over really soon, once all the random pregnancy but not specifically baby weight is gone.  Every day i feel like i look more like myself again, though, which is comforting. 

On a completely unrelated note we went to the conservatory today and had such a great time.  I am really enjoying every moment i get to spend with my family.  I can't believe i get to have another 8 or 9 weeks of this... it feels like bliss.

Photo dump time.  Follow the link for a trillion pictures of our family.
( Photo journey )

I asked Analise if she loved her brother yet.. here is her reply

Photo dump on the way this weekend... Can't wait to share the last couple weeks with you

i remember when the zebra mussel was first introduced into the great lakes water system.  It threw off the balance of nature.  organisms had to adapt, food chains were permanently altered, life as the great lakes knew it was permanently, irrevocably changed.  some organisms flourished, others vanished.

Now that Gus is here i wonder which route of adaptation our family will take. 

Hello!

Things are going well here.  I have detailed notes of my first few days as a new (again) mommy and our birth story, but getting to spend enough time at the computer to share with you all has been quite a challenge.  So a quick update is in order now, with the intent of typing out the long version of everything soon.

• Gus is gorgeous and has already regained the weight he losst after birth plus some.  Overall he is really healthy.  He has two heart problems from the pregnancy but neither are considered dangerous and both should go away on their own in the next couple of years.
• Breastfeeding is going great.  My milk never really went away after i stopped nursing Analise, so about 12 hours after birth i already had full milk again, instead of it taking the usual 3-7 days. He wakes himself to eat every 2 hours, but is a great latcher and an effecient sucker, so it never hurts and he is always pretty full after 15 minutes or so.
• Dave is super protective over his little guy, but also very aware of Analise's need to feel loved and special.  He is handling everything like a champ and is already running a pretty convincing campaign for father of the year.
• Analise no longer likes having a brother, the novelty has completely worn off.  For the last two days she has been impossible to please.  We try to each give her undivided one on one attention at least a couple times a day, but as soon as i start to nurse she starts to scream and hit me, and as soon as daddy starts to sing to Gus she freaks out.  I think this adjustment is going to be a lot harder than i initially thought.
• My liver is already back to functional and normal!  As predicted, my heart is still having problems with regulating my beats per minute and with blood pressure.  I need to wait another month, for more leveling of my hormones, before we start a treatment/action plan.

Overall i am just so greatful that everything is over with the pregnancy and we can start learning to live our next chapter of life. 

And we are finally ready to have people meet Gus, so if any of you Chicagoans want to come over for a visit in the next couple weeks feel free to email or call me to set up a time.  I get to my phone a lot easier than email, so use that if possible.  I can't wait to share the big stories with you all again, newborn babies are such interesting creatures.

I leave work in 4 minutes, not to return again for 12 weeks.  I am so ready to be done, this last half hour has been the hardest to sit through.  Now seven days of cleaning and preparing and... feeling miserable as only pregnant ladies can truly understand.  Then we get to meet Gus and i will have 11 gorgeous fun filled weeks of spending time with our new family of four, learning our new dynamics and grasping yet again how powerful it is when a new human being comes screaming into this world and you (and your spouse) are the only source of protection, food, and undying love it has.  Augustine Edward Schroeder, i am so ready to meet you.

And now i can leave the office, it's noon, and i feel so ready for whatever happens next.

With things so intense over my pregnancy, i forgot to post about the amazing and wonderful mother's day Dave created for me.  First, when we woke up in the morning Dave presented me with three cards and two presents.  We don't usually do presents, and we don't have any money to speak of, but i was still impressed that somehow he had the time and the initiative to do something like that.  We have been so preoccupied with other things.

So, i open my cards and get one from Davey that is all sweet and sappy and full of wife loving platitudes.  I get one from Analise that has pictures of Bears and Lady Bugs (our two nick names for her) and a third from Gus that just says kick kick wiggle wiggle love you mom.  He also had a great picture of Analise framed for my office, and finished a funny picture thing from New York of us together that i have been talking about putting together and framing it forever.  It was really sweet and thoughtful.

After that we went to the Brookfield Zoo.  Dave had gone to the library abd picked up free museum passes for us, and lined up a wheel-chair rental so i could go, too.  We took Analise to see all of the greatest hits with animal noises, and she was happier and more excited than i have seen in a long time.

We finished off the day by getting Taco Bell... i know it doesn't sound like a good meal to top the day with, but i have been craving 7-layer burritos like no one's business for weeks but we never got around to getting them.

What was really nice was that everyone in our extended family remembered me this mother's day, too, and that felt really nice.  I got a sweet and thoughtful card from Dave's brother and his wife Cari.  I have been so lax with my communications to family and friends the last month or so, it was nice to know no one was holding it against me!

And i know i end lots of posts this way, but did you know i have the best husband in the world? ;)

Public update- First one in a while.

My pregnancy continues to challenge me every day.  We spent a lot of time in the hospital over the last 1.5 weeks.  I feel like this guy wants and needs to make his entrance into this world soon, for both our sakes.  Everything else in life is taking a step back in my thoughts and concentration.  Just making it through this pregnancy intact is my only priority now.  10 days till i hit 34 weeks, the turning point in terms of antepardum development.

This is my first public post in a while.  Our pregnancy got complicated again, and i spent Easter at the hospital getting IV bags, monitoring contractions, and praying to whatever God unitarians believe in to keep Gus inside for a little longer.  By the grace of the universe my water did not break and my labor stopped on its own after 3 or so hours.  Like with Analise, i am now in a state of pre-term contractions every day, meaning i have an hour or so of labor every day, but it stops itself and the changes to my anatomy are slow in progression.  With Analise it took about 8 weeks before she finally showed up, but with Gus i dont think it will last as long.

I am on bedrest now, working from home as often as i can.  I actually go into the office, too, when i feel up to it.  As the only financial provider for our family i can't just stop working, even if that's what the doctors want.  Thankfully, after a shaky transition to working from home, i am now confident that my work and my boss will be supportive if me continuing to work until the baby gets here, or i decide on my own that it is time to stop.  So far i am working more hours at home than i would have at the office, so i think our situation will work out fine.

Analise is in love with seeing me every day.  She wakes up and runs to our room in the morning, and when she sees that i am still around she sings and dances.  Dave takes her on adventures every day for at least a few hours so i can get work done, which is super helpful.  Chucky Cheese was today's destination. THey responded to the economic downturn by making their prices super affordable, so for $15 Dave and Analise had games and rides galore for 4 hours. 

The worst part of all this is not being able to plan for anything.  I have a list of things we need to buy before the baby gets here, but since he could be here tomorrow or in June it is really hard to plan, especially with a budget as frugal as ours. 

I know this update is pretty generic, but suffice to say i feel OK right now, Gus is growing strong (and big, too).  Analise is adjusting well, and can now say GUS with muster, and Dave has been the most amazing husband and father and source fo strength and support i could ever ask for. 

I will most likely not be updating that often until Gus gets here... it isn't that fun to recount my limited life for myself, i know it must not be that fun to read about!

Davey took Analise to meet the Easter Bunny and go on an egg hunt today.  This time he wasn't the only dad, but he was the only dad that was there without the mom.  Dave calls me to report on the success of the hunt and informs me that, in his exact words 'after today i am convinced that i am in the top tier, if not the best, of dads.' how is that for modesty?

Dave went on to explain that the rest of the Dad's looked like they were dragged there by the wives, and during the open gym part of the day (after meeting the bunny, before the egg hunt) all the other dads were trying to one-up each other on the basketball court, at the expense of the 0-3 year olds trying to play with bouncy balls.  In some ways i think it is better than Dave stays home and i dont.  I feel like i still get my good maternal instincts and mothering in, but he can skip that macho dad thing.  He was so upset about these guys, he was telling me how he and Analise would just stare holes in their backs and continue to play bouncy ball.

Have i said it lately that i have the best husband in the world?  While i do.

Another great appointment!  The protein in my urine went down, by blood pressure was actually normal (110/80, the most normal it has ever been!) i did not gain any weight this week, his heart tones are slowing down, but along the right amount.  He is measuring 4 weeks ahead by external uterine measures.  This means that my uterus now touches the same body plane as my bra underwire.  With Analise it stopped growing up, and started growing out, when it was lower than it is now.  At least it explains why i still have such terrible heart burn, shortness of breath and rib pain.

Next step is to go another 2 weeks, , hopefully 4, without bleeding or contractions.  Then we do another ultrasound.  If the ultrasound shows adequate fluid, minimal blood clots and an OK baby size, they may let me stay pregnant to 39 weeks!  If someone told me this was even a remote possibility 2 months ago i would have laughed in their face. 

The goal is to have Gus stay indoors until at least June 6, and to have a scheduled c-section some time between the 6th and the 20th, based on the above factors.  I am not looking forward to the discomfort of major abdominal surgery, and i am still jealous of natural births, but the important thing for me to focus on is that this little one has a great chance of staying in-utero until i reach at least 37 weeks, which means no NICU stay likely, and taking him home with me after recovery.

Off to the doctors... let's hope for a great appointment with no need to go back in for another two full weeks.

I squeaked by on my GD test, normal is up to 130 (and i honestly dont know what they are counting).  I scored a 129.  I am SO glad i don't have to do the extended test.  This also means the steroid treatment for Gus will proceed as scheduled, starting with a dose next week (i will be 29 weeks).  Although the chances of pre-term labor have lessened tremendously over the last few weeks,  i still have a greater chance of going earlier than a healthy pregnancy.  The great news is that, even if i go early, these last few weeks were essential in his growth and development, and his chances of making it, even if i had him today, are so much better than when we first started worrying when i was 21 weeks.

I have an appointment tomorrow evening and i hope it continues to go smoothly.  I am not feeling him move as much lately, but i can tell which body part he is hitting me with now, which is truly unique.  Last night he kept kicking the left side of my uterus, but keeping his leg extended.  Dave and i could feel the outline of his little heel and the ball of his foot.  The he shifted again and we felt his elbow on the lower right side of my uterus, too.  I wonder if he is going to look like Analise, or if i will have one baby that looks like me!  From his ultrasound pictures it looks like he has Dave's nose.  It is really amazing that when i look at the ultrasounds of him and Analise side by side i can tell which one is which by the shape of their nose on their profile views.

The GD test is the hardest one to endure during pregnancy.  Basically, you have to fast for at least 8 hours, then drink flat orange soda, except it has more sugar than anything you would ever drink on purpose.  Then you sit and wait, trying not to puke, for 60 minutes before getting a blood draw. You also cannot drink water.  If it comes back off, you repeat the test, but for a three hour duration.  I did the one hour version this morning and i still feel gross.  i majorly screwed up dinner last night, so i ate 2 apples and some grapes instead of dinner.  I meant to get a snack before bed but i forgot, so by the time i woke up this morning to go to the test i hadn't eaten anything in 14 hours, and the last thing of substance hadn't been consumed in 18 hours.  Have you ever tried to starve a pregnant woman?  Don't- it could cost you an arm.

Dave drove me to the appointment so he and ANalise could get an oil change while i was holding in vomit.  I made it the entire hour without throwing up (if you throw up you have to restart on another day).  BUT i still felt so off when Dave picked me up that i opted to go home and nap and eat before going to work.  It helped a little, but i still want to crawl into the fetal position with my snoogle (best pregnancy pillow ever) and not move until tomorrow.

In other, not whiney, news my parents are coming into town this coming weekend.  They took all the baby stuff home with them, ostensibly to clean it and prepare it for us, and also (although unspoken) to keep it until our preggo situation got better, just in case.  The news we have been getting lately is so positive, and i have gotten so far along (almost 29 weeks!) that they are bringing everything back, freshly cleaned and laundered, so we will be prepared for Gus.

Last night Analise was playing her goodnight game, where she points to something and i say goodnight to what she is pointing towards.  Last night she kept pointing to my belly and i would say 'goodnight baby' and she would give a hug and a kiss to the baby.  she has also started pointing at other pregnant bellies in my parenting and women's day magazines and saying hi to their babies.  I don't think she really has a concept of the life that is going to come out and disrupt everything she knows and all her routines, but she does understand something is happening.

Have i said lately that i have the best little girl on the planet?  Well, i do.

Today i was touching Gus and singing to him while i was getting ready for work.  I distinctly know he reached out with his little foot and patted my hand.  He wiggles when i coo at him.  When Analise comes up to me, rubs my belly and sings 'baaaaaabyyyyyy' while kissing my belly little gus always kicks around and tries to make contact with where she kissed.  When i think that this is the last time i will ever feel the a growing human being inside my belly i get teary-eyed.  I want to remember how awe-inspiring it is to talk to this little being, not yet fully formed.  I need to remember for always how it feels to communicate with my babies when it is my life that keeps them living.

When they get big enough to constantly move around i feel like my spirit is renewed with each little kick and jab.  My little one is there, as excited to meet me, his daddy and his sister, as we are excited to meet him.

After being in a total 'woe is me' funk on Friday after my doctor's appointment Thursday i realized i need to shift my attitude.  The stuff with health insurance and permanent birth control was just an added annoyance, what really had made me angry was that i 'finished' one major pregnancy complication only to have another one start.  But what about the women who are infertile?  What about the women like my sister, who took 6 years to concieve her daughter and has been trying unsuccessfully for the last two years to create #2?  I am sure they would take my fainting spells and bloodiness over never experiencing the joy of being a mom.

I got completely bent out of shape thinking of all the struggles we had trying to understand and treat Analise's health issues.  But what about the moms of the 30,000 kids a year that don't make it to their first birthday?  If i were in their shoes i would want to smack me.  I have a living, now healthy little girl.  I will most likely give birth to a healthy baby boy in the next couple months.  Can i really ask for a better outcome?

And i kept catching myself thinking about how much just the diagnosis placental abruption has dictated my mood and soured me completely to this pregnancy.  What about the majority of women with this diagnosis that have their placentas continue to degenerate, or their child stops growing in utero, or they hemmorhage so much they die while giving birth?  I am sure they would all trade places with me and take the fainting and discomfort of my abruption and blood pressure.

I may not be blessed with easy pregnancies, but what part of life is ever easy after committing to parenthood?  Seriously, how many of us moms find taking a 10 minute shower without a toddler throwing their toys in the tub with you a real treat?  How many of us sacrifice sleeping more than 2 hours at a time for years in order to breast feed an infant or care for a sick baby?  What is ever easy about letting your heart and soul parade around outside your body in the form of another human you would not only die for, but kill for too?  Being a mom is the greatest sacrifice of convenience, of 'me-time', of putting anything else first.  These pregnancies full of maternal fear and stress and physical melt-downs only prepare me, humble me, to start another life chapter.

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and realized i was acting like a spoiled brat.  I need to remember everything i have to be thankful for, especially the tremendous gift of being a mom.

I actually uttered the words 'you have to be f*cking kidding me' at my appointment last night.  Flash back to two years ago, when i was pregnant with Analise and suffering from low blood-pressure and orthostatic hypotension, keep the vision of a constantly fainting, always crawling to avoid falling, version of me in your head.  Hold that thought.

One of the ways to monitor if my abruption starts bleeding again is to check my blood pressure.  An active abruption can cause high blood pressure.  This pregnancy my blood pressure started low, but went up to around 120/80 and stayed pretty consistent for the last couple months.  How does my body react to seeing the end of my uterus bleeding? By shooting my blood pressure back down to 80/40.  They did some in-office tests and again i have orthostatic hypotension, every time i shifted position my blood pressure would go through the roof then fall even lower than 80/40, and eventually balance out at my very low average pressure.

In the grand scheme of life, the blood pressure (and accompanying fainting issues) is the lesser of two evils, and definitely preferable to the abruption bleeding.  But can i just say COME ON.  Seriously, i have 10 weeks to go until the C-section (which is already 3 weeks earlier than my due date), can i have a week or two of non complicated uterine peace?

Here is the insurance rub that is making me upset.  My high risk doctor only does the C-section himself if a risk of maternal hemorrhaging is still present.  He petitioned the hospital on my behalf to perform a tubal at the same time.  Now that the risk of maternal hemorrhaging is nearly gone the primary OB on my team of doctors will do the C-section.  She wants to respect the rules of the Catholic hospital that i will be birthing at and not fight for a tubal.  Can the world of religion and politics just lay off my body please?  I will not have sex with my wonderful and amazing husband until one of us has permanent birth control firmly established, and i am already going to be laying open on an operating table.  It is no secret that pregnancy is my natural born enemy.  Why is it not up to me to permanently prevent myself from these life-threatening conditions?  Why is my only option a pay out of pocket sterilization procedure?

I understand the heady and complex nature of the debate RE permanent birth control, but enough is enough.  I should not live forced abstinence with my husband out of a fear of life-threatening pro-creation.

Analise said her first three-word sentance yesterday... 'have some mom?'  She doesn't really string words together yet at all, so this was surprising to say the least.  And embarrassing... we were eating dinner and i was blowing on her portabella mushroom burger, cut into small pieces, and just kept feeding it to myself instead of giving it to her.  I have been so hungry lately, so very hungry.

Weight gain has been steady.  Meaning i have gained around 20 lbs from the lowest point of my weight this pregnancy.... yikes!  Most women gain 1 lb a week from where i am now to the end of their pregnancy, but if i keep stealing food from my toddler i could end up gaining a lot more!  Imagine the severity of her need for food that she would skip putting 2 words together to instead build a complete sentance reminding me that she needed dinner, too.  Time to go eat again... i think this kid is going to weigh 20lbs when he is born!

Even when it is dreary, and cold and rainy, and i wake up late and can't buckle my shoes myself, it is impossible not to be happy on this Monday... the first monday in over a month that i felt like everything was going to be OK.

Now that the fear and anxiety has abated a bit about our pregnancy, i need to remember that the only way for it to stay going well is if i continue to restrict my actions.  That 10% of my uterus will never grow back or become a sustaining force for my baby.  It is up to me to make sure i do the right things so the other 90% can support Gus as long as possible.  But now that i am not actively bleeding inside i feel the stubborn side of me pushing me to do crazy things... like pick up my daughter or walk around the park.

Having such a better chance at a healthy baby, paired with the ability to continue working for longer, means i have to do whatever it takes to keep our good health going, even if it means my ass takes on the shape of montana.

Our appointment went better than i could have hoped for.  The bleeding and contractions were my body getting rid of the last of the clots from the bleeding abruption, but the abruption has not gotten any larger.  In fact, it looks like the uterus has finally stopped supplying blood to the dead part of the placenta, and that i have passed all the dead tissue that was floating around in there.  My high risk doctor concluded that 1) risk of maternal hemmoraging from the abruption he can see via ultrasound is gone 2) my cervix is high and closed and will not require a cerclage (being sewn shut to prevent early labor) 3) if this is the only abruption (sometimes there are more that can't be seen on the ultrasound) it has basically sealed itself and is no longer a threat to me or Gus.

We are so happy.  Although i have to maintain the same level of restrictions for the rest of the pregnancy, it looks like if we continue on the same pace we can expect a safe pregnancy.  I can't believe it, but yet it makes me so happy.  And now if i have any more bleeding i will know immediately that there is another hidden abruption, so the guessing game of it all will finally be over. 

And Gus is BIG!  his growth had slumped a lot when the abruption was actively bleeding into my uterus.  With the restrictions and the huge increase in food and decrease in activity he gained 2 lbs in the last 4 weeks, and is now not only caught up to where he is supposed to be growth-wise, but actually measuring big!  He is also still head-up, which means he isn't getting ready for labor yet, another great sign.  He is riding high, sitting cross-legged with his head tucked into my right lung (i KNEW there was a reason behind my breathing problems).  He is super active, but my placenta is up front which is why i can only feel the moves in my lower groin area (his feet) and in my lungs.

Overall i just cannot believe that i may really get to be in that 5% of women who have an abruption that just heals and stops bleeding.  I am knocking on wood because i seriously am never that lucky.  Seeing the black spot on the placenta is kinda creepy, though, knowing what it could have meant but didn't.  At least it makes an interesting picture for Gus's baby book!

Operation stay pregnant took a bit of a hit last night at our regular check-up.  The amount of blood i am loosing, paired with the severity of contractions, is causing a lot of concern.  We were trying to make it to April 1 before the next remeasure of the abruption, but my doctor called in a favor last night and i go in today to see my favorite high risk doctor this afternoon.  So, best case scenario is that my doctor from last night was just overly cautious, the abruption has stayed small, and i can go on with life as usual.  The medium result would be that the abruption has grown, but still ranks as a 1 (0-3 scale, 1 is not yet dangerous for either me or baby) and i need to be more restrictive in my activities for a few weeks.  Medium-bad is that we hit a #2 and now have to start full bedrest, bad would be a severe #2 which would mandate hospital bedrest.

I know absolute nothing at this point, and i am trying to stay calm to prevent stress-related contractions.  Baby is viable now, but would be a 'micro-preemie' at this point.  But this point in the pregnancy marks where the process shifts to weighing the benefits and dangers of keeping me pregnant longer.  We were hoping that my health and my uterus would hold up until at least April so the answer to deliver would be more cut and dry, and more positive for the baby.  But all this worrying may be for nothing, when i go in at 4pm i can start to really think about everything, but for now i have to work and try to get as much of my work life together as possible in case it is my last day...

Speaking of stopping work months earlier than planned... Any of my chicago friends who are great with digital cameras and craig's list, we may be hitting up your services soon.  We have a list of stuff we plan to try and sell to help us make ends meet if we have an extended period without pay, and i do not know the first thing about selling our stuff.

I am so ready for the weekend.  This entire week has been challenging for so many reasons, each one fighting to be my priority.  I need to get some sleep, relax and just be still for a while.  No plans but ass on couch time, and i am looking forward to it.

I'm feeling gloomy today.  Analise did not sleep through the night last night, and it took me two hours of trying to calm her down before i realized that DUH she only likes to sleep in her big-girl bed now.  I woke up Dave (how he sleeps through her disgruntled-ness amazes me) he took her in her room and viola, she was back asleep in 5 minutes.  I, however, am still feeling the burn of being awake from 3am to 5am.  Since it is my late night at work i am just counting the hours (6 down, 5 more to go) until i can go home and go to bed.

In non-whiney news Gus has moved out of my ribcage for the entire afternoon, so i feel much less burpy (i know, so attractive!).  He is actually in this perfect balanced place where he is not low enough to make me waddle, and not high enough to make my breathing shallow.  Analise is finally saying 'bye' outloud, and having her kiss me goodbye and wave and smile and actually say bye bye made my heart melt this morning.  I also realized after i got to work that i had a pudding cup left over in the fridge from yesterday's lunch, so i had 3 pudding cups to combat my grumpiness.  Work is a bucket of blah, but that happens sometimes.  At least i have an awesome family to go home to in a few hours, few people are as lucky as i am in that arena of life.

Analise slept in her own bed, alone, ALL NIGHT WITHOUT WAKING UP.  Is it ok that i just shouted that at you?  I didn't think she would sleep through the night until she was 30 or so, maybe 25.  It may be a one time thing, but it was still one night of blissfull, non interrupted, non crying sleep.

She went down at 9pm and at 6am she woke up, did not cry, and walked into our bedroom for snuggle time.  It was glorious.  It will be so much easier to only do middle of the night wakings for one little one, but i am definitely not counting my chickens before they hatch!

I forgot to mention a pivotal service my parents completed this weekend. They bought Analise a big girl comforter set with purple kitties on it and my mom got her to sleep in her own room both nights they were here! Seriously, we just told her that big girl kitties have to stay on Analise’s big girl bed and that was enough to get her to sleep in her own room. The first night my mom laid with her for about an hour, then she slept on her own from 9pm to 3am. She woke up and I laid down with her in her big girl bed until morning. The next time my mom stayed with her the entire night, but she did not wake up AT ALL. 

Last night, our first night trying it without the awesome power that is Grandma hugs, Dave got her down about 9:15 and she stayed asleep without anyone else in her bed with her until 3am. She didn’t even cry when she woke up, she just got out of her bed, came to our room, grabbed Daddy by the hand and brought him to her big girl bed so she could go back to sleep. They slept together the rest of the night, and I woke them up before I left for work. Dave called me today and told me that she went in her own room without prodding and took a nap on her big girl bed today. I am so proud of her.

 

She is turning into such a big girl right in front of my eyes. From her developing cognition, and her gross motor skills, paired with her amazing personality, it just feels more so like she is her own person every day.  Have I ever told you how much I love being a mom? When she grabs my hand to drag me to her newest discovery or adventure a rush of pure love fills every inch of my body and I cannot imagine a better reason for being alive.

Analise knows most of her animals by sight now, and if you ask her to point at something she gets it right 90% of the time.  She doesn't have the language capacity to say their names yet, but the cognition is there.  To help with the language part Dave and i have been focusing on teaching her animal sounds, as they are typically easier to master.  Over the last week we decided to start teaching her to act out animals, too, in the hopes that eventually she will be able to say the names of animals. 

She is so funny, she can make a fish face, pinches her fingers together to mimic a bird beak, raises her arm like a trunk while making an elephant noise, and just last night i taught her how to squinch her nose up to make a bunny face.  Last night she was in her room laying on her bed looking through an old newsweek magazine (seriously, she loves the pictures in newsweek and likes to lay in her own room alone and look through it). All of the sudden she streaks out of her room barking like a dog while pinching her fingers like a bird.  She did this back and forth dance of animal imitations for a good 10 minutes, then laughed so hard she fell over on her side.  After her giggles subsided she calmly stood up, walked back into her room and picked up her newsweek again.

My daughter wants to genetically engineer an animal that barks like a dog through a beak.  And she reads newsweek at 20 months old.  Could i be any more proud?

After a great appointment with my OB i was totally set for a wonderful weekend with my family.  Friday I had meetings downtown, so i took the train in and got to go straight home instead of the office.  When i got home super early (about 1:30pm) we had the most lovely afternoon enjoying the sunshine and each other.  Analise loved being outside without a coat, and she just couldn't get enough of running around kicking a soccer ball.  She has tremendously developed gross motor skills for a child her age, and it is always so astounding to watch!

My parents came to town Saturday for a very nice, supportive and wonderful weekend visit.  I have always been close to my parents, and was lucky enough to have only a very short case of 'OMG my parents suck'-itus when i was a teen.  For the most part i have always been close to them, and we get closer as i get older, too.

Although i requested that they come and spend time with Analise so Dave could have some free time and some relief from his constant familial duties, they also did so much more.  My entire house is clean and sparkling.  All our handyman projects we had been waiting for months for our landlord to do are complete.  Our pantry is so stocked we will not have to buy cleaning supplies or paper supplies for at least 6 months (under the life circumstances we currently face we decided to temporarily stop our crusade against using paper goods and disposable cleaning products in favor of quick and simple solutions).  My mom also helped me finish sorting all the baby clothes for both Gus and Analise, make a needs list for the new little one, hang up and fold all of Analise's spring and summer clothes that will fit this year, and organize their room so both kids can fit and be happy. 

more than anything else though, they gave me the support and encouragement i needed to get through the next couple weeks, till our next helper (Dave's mom) arrives.  They also spent a lot of time with Dave just getting to know each other again and affirming his worth and what an amazing job he is doing in spite of our troubles.  That means so much to me, too.  Dave took my dad out Saturday night for some guy's time and Dave just opened up and unburdened himself completely to my father about how scared he is right now, how much he loves me and Analise, and everything.  They came home with a noticibly heightened bond, which is so important.  And i feel more at peace, too, knowing that my parents see my husband for the rock-star he is, and that he sees them for all the goodness and sacrifice they bring to keeping our family together and intact.  Not to mention that i am a total daddy's girl, and seeing the two of them have friendly bantor and chide each other as they work on our plumbing and electrical problems made me almost giddy with happiness that the two best men i know love each other, too.

Analise loves my parents.  They left at lunch time today (i went home to help the transition) and she screamed for literally 10 minutes straight.  I finally got it down to just a stiffled cry by singing old mcdonald had a farm, and then i got her to laugh by taking her stuffed animals and making them act out their farm motions while i sang.  At least they will be back in a couple weeks to help out again, so i know she wont have to go too long without seeing them.

Overall i just feel so peaceful and relaxed for the first time since this whole saga began.