Bipolar Biproxy

Do you ever wonder how the first person who spoke a cliche felt?  The first person who said my heart is bursting?  Sometimes I utter cliches and think that I must feel exactly like the person who first uttered those words, like the dull ache of fullness in my heart during story time, or the slow burn of protection I feel when I watch my kids navigate a complex social situation for the first time.  I wonder, sometimes we say things because we feel we are supposed to say them, other times I am convinced that the epic pounding of blood through my veins as I face a new situation has to mirror exactly the first utterer's.

My children have good days and bad days, but most of the time they are beyond words in their goodness and richness and love.  Last night Gus fell off the bed during story time and Analise gave him her prized teddy bear she has slept with every night for several years.  She spoke of the magic power of healing he possesses, and how Gus could borrow it until he felt the magic and all his boo boos went away.  She felt sad that her school only has two buddy book bags (book plus matching character to take home and play with) for all the kids to share so she took it on herself to create ten more from her own stash at home and asked us if she could take them to school to share.

A few nights ago Analise said she was going to run away and hide because Dave and I were going out on a date instead of staying home to play.  My usually silent and stoic two year old Gus said, "Don't hide Lise, I love you.  I your brother.  We your family."  Gus is working really hard to potty train, and has been in real underpants for four days.  Yesterday he had an accident and came up to me, saying "I made Thomas sad, I peed on him.  Change me please? It OK, I do better next time." Last night we were goofing around before bed time, jumping on the bed (yes, I said it was OK because I was jumping too) and singing songs.  Gus laughed so hard he could barely breath, then collapsed in a fit of giggles and said "Love you, love this." 

Whenever I spend time with my children I feel like life cannot get any better.  Even when they are cranky or ornery or fussy, they give these glimpses into the absolute spell binding amazing-ness of their personalities and I am so thankful I am their mom.  Every night during bed time we read four stories, then before songs I comically stop myself as if I am remembering something really important, then say "I have to tell you three REALLY important things.  I am the luckiest mom in the world because Analise is my daughter and Gus is my son.  Number two, my heart is full every time I see how amazing you two are, and number three please know momma is trying every day to be the best mommy I can be to make sure you guys have awesome days and nights and everything because I one you more than moonbeams and sunshine." Last night Gus piped in "I love you this much" and did the kid classic spread your arms as far as they will go.  Analise told me she needed to say three things, too, and proceeded to tell me she was the luckiest kid in the whole world because Dave and I are her parents, Gus is her brother, and she loves going to school and learning.  

Things with the rest of my life are a mixed bag, as usual.  Dave now has more secured investors in his project and his salary still looks to be right around the corner.  My job is touch and go as far as stability.  My volunteer work at the new street newspaper is fulfilling and exciting and my running is soaring to new heights.  It is hard to feel less than blessed with the life we are living right now.  I would love to find financial security in this lifetime, but mostly I just want to retire all of our debts so that we don't saddle the kids with that challenge when we leave this world.  I feel like money stress is just something I don't have time for anymore.  My church helps me when I need it, the house owner is flexible on payments and easy to please, and our income is stable, at least for now.  Today is a day where I feel like my perspective makes sense, and is focused on the right parts of life.